Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
