I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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