god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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