Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
