Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
