Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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