I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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