So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
