there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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