i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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