I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
