Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
