do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
