I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
