so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
