Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
