So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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