9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
