I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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