sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
