well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
