your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
