he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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