So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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