girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
