I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
