He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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