No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
