are you still at the devil's house?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
