I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
