I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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