things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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