On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
