swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
COCAINE IS GR8
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
