She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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