You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
