im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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