I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize