even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
