I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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