I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize