well I can't set my house on fire every night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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