Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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