I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
