foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
