Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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