Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
