I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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