I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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