No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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