WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
