Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I did not marry a roomba.
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