This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
