I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
