How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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