Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
