I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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