that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
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