She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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