and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
