I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
