Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
