she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
