I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
