I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
