My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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